Do They Love Me?

I started listening to the podcast called “How to Destroy Everything,” which if you are looking for something to listen to, I highly recommend it. The podcast chronicles a man named “Danny,” his upbringing, and the damage that his father inflicted on him, his family, his community, and anyone in his wake. 

In one of the introspection sections, Danny and his cohost meet with a therapist who specializes in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. During the question and answer section, Danny recounted an incident in his young adult life where his father had hacked into his email and had gotten caught. Upon being called out, his Dad made an excuse for why he did it and there was a “show” of affection where Danny talked about how his father had cried. He had never seen his father cry, so that one display was something that he held onto as a sign that his father had loved him and had shown remorse.

When asked, the therapist told Danny that people with Narcissistic Personality disorder (and the severity to which his father was known to have) are not capable of love. In general, if people with NPD show signs of emotion such as crying or love, it is almost always an attempt to manipulate and control. In that instance, his dad had probably recognized that Danny was at a point where he was ready to sever the relationship. Therefore, his father reacted by supplying Danny with what he knew he needed to stay controlled. 

Tools and Tricks of the Trade for a Narcissist

That is how narcissists work. They act callous and disrespectful, hateful even, and then just when you are about to sever ties, they do something that draws you back in. A narcissist manipulates you by giving you the very thing they know you need, not what they feel, but what will keep you hooked and obedient. 

I could hear almost a sigh of sadness when the therapist said that to Danny. It was a hard reality for all to hear that his dad probably did not ever love him. I had always heard that narcissists aren’t capable of love, but this was entirely different. Whether they are or aren’t capable of it, this was confirmation that they knew what love is and how to give it, and use it as a tool.

I Couldn't Wrap my Head Around it

The first time of hundreds that my ex-husband told me that he didn’t love me, had never loved me, even hated me, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I assumed he had been so mad that he was just saying things to hurt me. I really couldn’t fathom that he didn’t love at the time, or even worse, that he truly might have never loved me. That would lead to me asking him, “You really don’t love me?," thinking that he would soften and stop hurting my feelings. In my world, there would be no way to be in a relationship with someone, have children with them, and never love them.

But he meant it, he had never loved me. 

Hearing that podcast was difficult at first. To come to the realization that my ex-husband wasn’t just saying he hated me and that he never loved me, but that he actually really hadn’t, was hard to digest. It was all a tool to manipulate and control me.

The Other Side of the Coin

After letting it sit for a couple of days, I began to see the other side of it. All of those years where I would do everything possible to start over, gain his love, get it back, make amends, fix what had been wrong, I came to terms with there wasn't anything that I could have done His love was never there or real, so I hadn’t broken it. I couldn’t have been nicer, prettier, smarter, more loving, or more attentive. In that moment, I realized I could have been a saint (to preface I most certainly was not), and even if so, he would have never loved me.

Do I think he was capable of love? I guess that is a philosophical question. If someone is capable of knowing how to act as if they love you, then I would dare say they do know “how” to love and are, therefore, capable. But I don't know that you can really understand what someone is capable of unless you are them.

Love to a narcissist is just a tool like everything else they use to manipulate you. They first pretend to give it and then they pull it slowly away. The first time they pull away, you chase to get it back. Over time, the more they pull it away, the harder you try to “get it back,” believing that it must have been something you “lost,” not understanding that it is something you never had. 

A Narcissist is Capable of "Acting" Out Love

So, for anyone out there who needs to hear this, “a narcissist is capable of acting out love”. They are also capable of using it to control and manipulate you to behave in a specific way. A narcissist is even capable of seeing when you have had enough that you are going to walk away and then change their behavior. It has NOTHING to do with you, your love, traits, kindness, outer appearance, personality, capacity to love.

That has nothing to do with you at all, it is nothing that you could have or couldn’t have done. If you were not the person you are, so willing to give love and to sacrifice, they would not have chosen you. That says a lot of about who you are in a positive way, and everything about them in a negative one.