Recognizing Peace

I was talking with one of my best friends, whom I rarely get to see anymore, about life. We were discussing where we were emotionally and I told her that I didn’t really know what I wanted anymore or what the goal was for my future.

She looked at me and said, “You do, you’ve just forgotten what it is…”

Her response to me “You do, you’ve just forgotten what it is…” for some reason stuck in my head. So I text her saying how nice it was to see her, and then I asked what she meant.

I asked her “What did you mean that I do know what I want… do you know something that I’ve forgotten,” maybe in jest, but I really meant it. How did she know what I wanted even more so than I did. 

Could there be something that I wanted and said aloud and just forgot?

Her answer was simply one word “Peace”. 

She reminded me that all I’ve ever wanted was peace for me and peace for my children. 

I know, it seems like a silly thing to “forget” or to have forgotten, but I guess I have been so wrapped up in figuring out what I want out of life, what’s next, what to do with my house, my future, where I want to live, and what I want to do for a living… I forgot that what I want is what I already have. 

Peace, though, what does that mean?

The definition of peace is “freedom from disturbance; tranquility.” Or even more “A state or period in which there is no war or a war has ended.” 

According to those definitions, I have all that I want.

It isn’t just that the battle of losing Colin is behind me or that Tayt’s struggles have come and gone and, for now, I’m not in the heat of battle. 

Peace is not about what is being done to me or how I am fighting against a force. It is about what I can find within myself.

The one constant, as anyone who knows me or has read about my life, is that for decades the threats kept coming. As I conquered one, another one would arise.

They still do.

I, as we all do, never get to be free of struggles, hardships, and tidal waves that threaten our “peace”. 

But, for the first time, I am not looking to conquer something, to get past a threat, or to win the battle, I am peaceful in knowing that my will to fight has ended.

It isn’t that I will give up struggles, I just see struggles differently because I have recognized that nothing can touch me if I don’t allow it. 

Illness, grief, and people, they will all have an influence on me, my future, and my path, but for the first time, I realize that only I can chose whether I allow the battles to take me or if I just address those things that I must, and leave the rest where it sits. In a place where it can’t touch or take me if I don't allow it.

No one can make me sad, but me.

No one can make me angry, but me.

No one can control me, but me.

Peace is knowing that I have the control to feel how I want about whatever is in my path. I get to decide how, or even if, something affects me.

I have the power, no one else. 

When you realize that you are your own knight in shining armor, you understand that you are in possession of the shield, and you stop looking around to be rescued. 

I can live each day in peace no matter what arises.

Peace is what I want for my future, and although it might take some getting used to, and I might have to fight my demons sometimes, the battles are much shorter. 

I also pray sometime my demons will be behind me completely and forever. 

For now, I will take a small victory that I even understand what peace means and thank a person so dear to me for reminding me that I am right where I want to be and who I want to be. Thanks M…